How to Completely Change Your Life in 9 Months
(Or Less!)

The tried and true solution for bored thirty-somethings with discretionary income looking to challenge themselves like never before

If you’re anything like most professionals, you have a steady job, a roof over your head and the basic financial security you’ve come to expect from your career.

You have a social life: happy hour group texts, weekend brunch plans and Sunday football with the boys.

But it’s just. not. enough.

There’s something missing. Your friends are fine, you say. But you just wish things were somehow different.

There’s a hole in your heart that you don’t know how to fill. You’re not sure what to do with all this extra discretionary income, so you just spend it on booze, brunch and bad-ass trips to Ireland.

Talk about a tired, monotonous lifestyle…

What if I told you there’s a better way?

Imagine what it would be like if you could:

See your friends less often
Genuinely miss going into the office
Get so little sleep you're often not even sure whether you're dreaming or not

Sounds pretty spectacular doesn't it!?!

If that sounds fun, you’re in luck because we’ve got just the right thing for you.

Introducing:

Have a Baby - The Perfect Solution to Never Leaving the House, Even if You Feel Like the Walls are Closing In

Are you tired of getting a full night’s sleep? What about a full, productive workday? Are you exhausted with just how much spare time you have on your hands?

Then a baby is exactly what you need!

Here's What You'll Get:

1
One Human Baby (Now in Male, Female, or Gender-Undecided)
2
18 Years of Legal Responsibility (You Break It, You Buy Yourself Time in Jail)
3
A Lifetime of Worrying Whether You Were a Good Parent

Example Baby. Final Results May Vary.

See what our customers have to say:

"Even better than Ecstacy!"

“Having a baby has completely changed my life for the better...I think. I just love my little girl so much and it’s like a brand new feeling has been introduced to me. I never felt like this before, not even during my most hardcore ecstacy phase. My little girl is just intoxicating in the weirdest ways!”

Jenny

Single Mom

"I see the outside for about 45 minutes!"

“Before we had a baby, we would party all the time and have lots of fun with our friends. We would take random trips on the weekends and just spend money on the most fun things. Now, with the baby, I get out of the house maybe 45 minutes during the week. We spend most of our money on baby stuff and we’re lucky if we see another human being on the weekends. It’s amazing.”

Rick

Former Software Engineer

100% All-Risk, No-Return Guarantee

Every baby comes with an iron-clad, All-Risk, No-Return Guarantee. No matter how much you screw up as a parent, you cannot return your baby. It’s our promise that no matter how exhausted you feel after the fifth day of no sleep, there is absolutely no returning the baby.

There is a reason other parents tell you how much they love their babies. They’ve either blocked the worst from their memories, or it’s a sick joke to see their friends go through the same thing.

You can even raise the child, put it through college AND let it move back in with you afterward and you still can’t return it. That’s how iron-clad our guarantee is. Office of Child Protective Services take this guarantees very seriously so if you’re not happy, you’re still stuck with the baby, no questions asked!

But Wait! There's More!

If you have a baby now, you’ll take advantage of these incredible bonuses!

Bonus #1 - A library of dad jokes you never knew you had
Bonus #2 - A Kindergarten teacher that doesn’t take your child’s advanced development seriously
Bonus #3 - Word-for-word scripts for The Talk
Bonus #4 - A high-school boyfriend that’s obviously a loser

Don’t Delay! Have a Baby Today!

Only $233,610* for the first 18 years.

*Limited time offer. Price increases with inflation and cost of living adjustments over time. College tuition available as an add-on bundle on demand.

P.S.

This offer is only available until you’re too old so make sure you act today if you don’t want to look like a grandpa at the PTA meeting. And remember, if you’re not completely satisfied with the baby you raise, there are no returns or exchanges and the only person you can blame is yourself.

How to Completely Change Your Life in 9 Months (Or Less!)